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Posted: Oct. 3 2009, 00:16 ET
Comments are not always supportive, I know that. First you are too fat and soon your backside will be as broad as a barn, to now you're too thin, You have no bum, no boobs but now apparently I'm too fat again as I have a roll around my stomach. I'm not eighteen and won't be anytime soon. I don't get it, although intellectually I do.
Went shopping with my mother and tried on a short coat that came belted, came in three sizes 01-03 which I don't really understand, like why don't they just say S, M or Large but at any rate.
The 3, I swam in and the 2 fit. I am fairly tall with long arms and broad shoulders so it is difficult to fit me as either the arms are two short or my shoulders are two broad and if it does fit then I'm swimming in the rest of it, but this fit. Her opinion was it's too small. I left it on the rack.
As I am driving her home, she states "you have a roll around your stomach," so I looked at her at said "I'm sitting down everyone has a roll when you sit down." To which she replied. "No you had a roll when you stood up, I noticed it when you tried on the coat," I just looked at her, then she said " that shirt you wearing doesn't help its cotton."
So stupid question of the week doesn't everyone have a slight roll when they sit down? I kid you not, I actually came home and looked in the mirror, front and back to check for a roll, not to mention a muffin top in my jeans. I don't see one and also asked the other half and the not so little one. They both looked at me like I had two heads. So what's with that? It's not even that I was very heavy previously and just lost the weight as I have maintained more or less since 2005.
I also realize that she doesn't get the mother of the year award but I struggle with it as in the past I might as well have parked my head, body and feet in the fridge when ever she called. Friends you don't have to see, mothers not so much. Any way rant over, thanks for listening.
Posted: Oct. 3 2009, 07:11 ET
Marmad, when I read your post I got a bit teary eyed. I was very saddened to read what your mother said to you, as she sounds exactly like my mother. I won't go into detail about my mother's useless comments over the years. Just wanted to say I really related to what happened to you.
I won't say to you "oh just ignore her", because I know how complex the feelings and emotions are dealing with a critical parent. I just try to run a positive tape in my head when she is spouting off something horrible about my size (now I get the too thin comments). I say, "I look good" "I feel great" etc....as she is going on about something she doesn't like about me.
Just remember you aren't alone...and yes everyone has a little roll in the tummy area.
Posted: Oct. 3 2009, 09:25 ET
Even at my absolute thinnest (138lbs, which at almost 5'10" is quite thin!) I still had a tummy roll. Thanks to genetics I'm pretty much stuck with my body shape.
I'm sorry you have to hear negative comments from your mom- she of all people should be supportive! My mother can be a bit crazy, and somties nit-picky about how I look ("oh, I think it's time to get your hair high-lighted, I can see your roots" and "those boots aren't in fashion anymore, they're too clunky", etc.). However, these comments come from a place of love with my mom, and are usually accompanied by an offer of financial support in obtaining said appearance booster.
My counseling background entices me to say that I think you need to have a talk with your mom. Bring up your feelings- if you use feeling words, and explain your needs (ie "I'm feeling hurt"), this takes tour feelings and needs, and she cannot negate those. If she does, then you can let her know that these are your feelings, and that you can see she might not be ready to talk about this yet.
Anyway, that's my two cents--I really hope she can learn how hurtful and offensive she's being!!!!
Posted: Oct. 3 2009, 12:00 ET
When it comes to critical mothers I sure had alot of experience throughout the years. Without going into detail as Jan says, what I finally learned was that my mother's reaction to me, what I said or did at any time, said alot more about her than it did about me. It finally came to point that I understood her so well that I could pretty well bang on predict her reactions to anything. It also came to a point in my relationship with her that I could see her and relate to her as the PERSON she was and not as ROLE (mother) she was in. That day was one of the most liberating days in my life as once I could accept her as a person rather than my mother all hurt and frustration on my part disappeared.
Patience is key.....be confident in what you know is best for you.....feel wonderful in knowing what is best for you.....the rest will fall into place.
Posted: Oct. 3 2009, 15:26 ET
I guess I just needed to vent and I had a case of the crazies, had to check and ask my skinny son to sit down so I could check his stomach as he rolls his eyes at me. Yes, she does have issues and I deal with them mostly, but I must admit, not always in healthier ways i.e. back away from the fridge, or no, it is not polite to strangle someone. It is what it is, and I know that and, I can only change my reaction. Excellent advise all, thank you, friends make the journey easier.
Posted: Oct. 3 2009, 21:16 ET
Having a critical mother can sometimes be a blessing....it teaches us how NOT to treat our own children. I don't know how tall you are but I can see you are only a few pounds from your goal weight...a weight you feel good at. I know how comments like this sting and make us constantly judge and compare ourselves to others. Its hard not to. When i feel like i don't measure up my hubby and kids reassure me that I am "HOT". I still don't believe it but and at the end of the day, they are the only ones who get a vote... LOL. Sooooo to everyone else!!!